Fantasy, Control, and the "Heart of Birthing From Within"

by Pam England

Mothers giving birth in hospitals today have a wide variety of experiences. Some have the experience they hoped for. Others are surprised by how labor unfolds, by how many decisions they had to make, or by how many interventions were offered or used.

When the mother believes the interventions are supportive and necessary, she often feels more accepting of them, during and after labor. Even so, she may wish they weren't necessary. She may regret that her labor was not what she hoped it would be. She likely won't  have only one feeling about her birth experience; it is quite common to have two or three emotional responses, because the experience is big and it takes a while to integrate.  

When a mother is not sure that the interventions are necessary, she may feel they were not “supportive.” There will be more conflict, doubt, and remorse--both during birth, as well as afterwards. There is a dilemma that women in our culture face when hoping for one kind of birth and being faced with something different in reality. For some women, having lots of interventions is really overwhelming. Sometimes medical interventions are distracting and unwanted. When the image of giving birth (our fantasy) excludes interventions, then, if medical support is used, she may believe she did not give birth--or did not do it “right.”

The mind works in a particular way in response to missed expectations, attachment to fantasy, and unrealistic hopes: the mind heads right into disappointment, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, or depression. When women believe they did not birth well (i.e., how they imagined or hoped), they may blame themselves for not doing more, for not knowing more, because it is so hard for humans to allow that life happens without our input.

We think we have control over our lives, because that gives us a sense of power. Birth plans, rigid expectations, and blind hope are ways that we seek to control birth. However, the truth is that however hard we plan or hope, we cannot, through the power of our minds or the power of surrender, single-handedly CREATE the birth we want. We may have influence, but not absolute control. If birth doesn’t help us learn this, then parenting certainly will!

Compassion for ourselves and for other mothers, flexibility in our plans, and awareness of our own motivations, beliefs, fears, and inner voices are some ways to work with our desire for control in birth. This is the heart of “birthing from within.”
 
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