Fantasy, Control, and the "Heart of Birthing From Within"

by Pam England

Mothers giving birth in hospitals today have a wide variety of experiences. Some have the experience they hoped for. Others are surprised by how labor unfolds, by how many decisions they had to make, or by how many interventions were offered or used.

When the mother believes the interventions are supportive and necessary, she often feels more accepting of them, during and after labor. Even so, she may wish they weren't necessary. She may regret that her labor was not what she hoped it would be. She likely won't  have only one feeling about her birth experience; it is quite common to have two or three emotional responses, because the experience is big and it takes a while to integrate.  

When a mother is not sure that the interventions are necessary, she may feel they were not “supportive.” There will be more conflict, doubt, and remorse--both during birth, as well as afterwards. There is a dilemma that women in our culture face when hoping for one kind of birth and being faced with something different in reality. For some women, having lots of interventions is really overwhelming. Sometimes medical interventions are distracting and unwanted. When the image of giving birth (our fantasy) excludes interventions, then, if medical support is used, she may believe she did not give birth--or did not do it “right.”

The mind works in a particular way in response to missed expectations, attachment to fantasy, and unrealistic hopes: the mind heads right into disappointment, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, or depression. When women believe they did not birth well (i.e., how they imagined or hoped), they may blame themselves for not doing more, for not knowing more, because it is so hard for humans to allow that life happens without our input.

We think we have control over our lives, because that gives us a sense of power. Birth plans, rigid expectations, and blind hope are ways that we seek to control birth. However, the truth is that however hard we plan or hope, we cannot, through the power of our minds or the power of surrender, single-handedly CREATE the birth we want. We may have influence, but not absolute control. If birth doesn’t help us learn this, then parenting certainly will!

Compassion for ourselves and for other mothers, flexibility in our plans, and awareness of our own motivations, beliefs, fears, and inner voices are some ways to work with our desire for control in birth. This is the heart of “birthing from within.”
 
Copyright 2010 Birthing From Within LLC. May not be reproduced without prior written permission. Published here at California Birthin' with permission.

Getting Down and Dirty

GETTING DOWN AND DIRTY from Birthing From Within, by Pam England

Soldiers are trained to give everything in battle. They expect to return from war grimy, sweaty, disheveled, and sometimes bloods; it's their badge of honor. Likewise, a gutsy football or baseball player who ends the game wearing a uniform caked mud is perceived as having given his all. Some cultures (not ours) honor women in the same way when they return from battling in the trenches of labor.

Wouldn't it be great if childbirth teachers and health profession's instilled that same tough mindset in mothers and fathers? Rather than promoting the reassuring, but unlikely, illusion being comfortable and relaxed comfortable and relaxed in labor, teachers should help mothers and fathers muster the courage and determination to get through it. That's why Birthing From Within works at helping couples prepare to face the rigors of "battling with nature," fleeing the battle field when the going gets tough. Here's how we help do it:
First, we help mothers experience themselves as part a larger whole, a link in the chain of mothers throughout time. we do this using exercises described in Chapter 4.
Second, we explain that to give birth with power, without drugs, means having to to the edge, and beyond. and beyond.

Third, we point out that the hospital "battle field," in
striving to be sterile and clean, inadvertently sends a confusing message to women giving birth. Birth-warriors don't stay clean, together made-up, and poised (see sidebar pg 128).
Finally, mothers must make a heart-felt commitment: birth normally, but to give it their all, moment-by-moment. Once they've done that, to then to be okay with whatever happens.

Get all the Down and Dirty (also fun and practical) info you'll need to give birth in awareness with a Birthing From Within Class:

www.blossombirth.org
www.harmonybirth.com
www.californiamidwifery.com